Sunday, March 28, 2010
My apartment is located close to an air field. This is problematic for me as I am unreasonably afraid of airplanes and almost everything about them. Recently, local air men have taken it upon themselves to fly over my frail sleeping body in odd hours of the night, which of course leads me to wake up screaming and hysterically calling my husband to tell him that I am going to hide in the closet until the worst of the attack is over. There is nothing worse that waking up believing that the horrible roar you just heard was a bomber scoping out the area and about to make another pass to drop large explosive devices on your head. I have a theory that the planes that fly over my town are actually the enemy (which one I am not sure) and they are just desensitizing us to the noises of their airplanes so that when the time comes that they are actually going to bomb us, we will be docile.
In an other semi-related thought, I cant help but feel waves of dread wash over me whenever I hear one of those evil air machines. I perk my ears whenever I hear the faintest sound of a plane engine, and I prepare myself for the inescapable doom it is sure to bring. All of the doomsday and end of the world fuss has finally reached my brain and is telling me that some catastrophic event is sure to take place any minute now, and I will definitely die. My husband says "People have thought the world would end for centuries now, everyone thought that their generation would be the last." A somewhat valid point, but it doesn't clear up all of my concerns. I look at it like the boy who cried wolf. Sure, the first couple times the boy was just having laugh, but in the end there really was a wolf and everyone died.
I am constantly having dreams that I am watching a large bomb go off and running futilely for my life. Or dreams about the world being blown to pieces and I cant to do anything to stop it. Or the moon being much too large in a blood red sky filled with stars I shouldn't be able to see. Bad sky dreams. Hiding in a cellar dreams. Watching my family starve and die slowly.
I play out nightmarish scenarios in my head, preparing myself for that inevitable day. I add up how long I could last in my apartment if I was cut off, when I would have to start to eat my aquarium fish. What I would defend myself with if mobs ran through the city looting. I know a lot of people who would just off themselves if came right down to it, and I know that I would be able to do that. I can only hope that, if any of my dreams come true, I will be one of the first to go.
Now apart from this telling me that I probably need to have many hours of therapy, it also says that I may watch too much TV.